THE ROAST “DOLLAR BILL”

POWERFUL AND AWESOME HONORS

THE DOLLAR BILL

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thank you, thank you,  ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues and douchebags all over the web. i’m your Roastmaster genius khan the POWERFUL and it is a complete honor to be here with you today on the net along with my friend, our friend and Hero, Dollar Bill. our favorite roaster is on deck today Luvvie the AWESOME who will be joining us via satellite from the northpole where she is lending a very small hand in the building of toys for Santa Clause. Halle Berry, Bill Gates, President Elect Obama and Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson wanted to be here but they had everything better to do.

now please give another round of applause for our guest of honor Dollar Bill! ok that’s enough. Dollar is not only a huge azzwipe but one of my best friends. he’s an open sore on the cock of American currency. when Jay Z said: “fu*k you, pay me” he meant in Japan Yen, not you ya wackazz greenback.

member that time we went to the dollar store and you made me choose between sardines and a honey bun. …or the time we took that girl to brunch at the dollar general store and got a can of check soda and a zebra cake. you cheap son of a b*tch you. that was the good ol days now it’s no telling who’s leg i’ll have to hump just to find somebody to take you. i donated you to the Obama campaign and they sent you back with a note attached saying: “ thankyou but we decline on the grounds that this Dollar smells like strip club pussie and doot juice.”

look at yourself Dollar. you’re mostly green on one side and mostly black on the other side. who put your design together? K-Mart? you’re still number 1 though.  remember when they came out with the two dollar bill and you got all paranoid and had that anxiety attack. we had to rush you to emergency room but they wouldnt take you either. i still care about you buddy and that’s why im sending you to celebrity rehab. you’re wasting away and attracting absolutely nothing. consider a career in toilet paper. i heard the people that waste the ink to print you are looking for your replacement. can you say Amero? the Euro called and said if he cathches you on the foreign exchange market he’s gonna prison rape you with no grease. brace urself Dollar B. this next chick is gonna use you like a tampon and i can’t think of a better use for you.

bringing to the stage the lippy liliputian, the lordess of lunacy and our resident roast-ologists AWESOME.

Thank you and let me get right to it. Dollar, you on that bullsh*t. You are officially shitty. If you were my last dollar and you were burning, I’m not too sure I’d piss on you to put you out. If you were food, you’d be chitlins with your ol’ leftover-don’tnobodywantyou face. Plus, you’re starting to smell funny too. I even tried to give you to a homeless man, and he looked at me with contempt and yelled “What the hell am I sposed to do with this??”. I hung my head in shame for he was right. You’ve made a fool of me, Dollar. All these years, you were my go-to for ish. I can’t even get Tic Tacs (the orange ones) without needing clangy change assistance. Boo to you, Dollar bill. Get OFF THE STAGE!

Oh, and I take personal offense to the fool you have on you. Mr. Washington seems to be smirking at me. I’m sure he’s mad too, thinking “thats what yall mofos get for puttin me on such a shitty bill. i couldn’t get put on a ten huh? not even a 5??”

Yes, Dollar. I call bullshit on you.

ladies and gentlemen that concludes our tribute to the dollar bill. join us in the comments section as we continue roasting our dear friend and thankyou for being here with us today.