twitter me this. if i shat in your hand and told you it was lotion, would you moisturize with it? twitter me that. do you have a consumer fetish?
the whole commercial piece of XMAS is so conditioned into the psyche of many people that they have a guilt complex about not spending money they don’t have, forsaking all others. …and we are reminded to invest in our economy by getting our consumer on. do this only as you can afford it and by afford i mean pay for it with cash you have today that doesn’t have you neglect priority fiscal responsibilities. the shopkeepers and the reporters mock us with names for their fraternity holidays like Black Friday. i’m defenitely not knocking the hustle but errr ahhhh… crime is up during the holidays and so is depression and suicide but if i want to be massochistic financially or otherwise then i can do it on my own terms. i don’t need to be told how and when to overextend myself. yes? Hoe Hoe Hoe!
at the beginning of the night the only opinion that can really harm you is your own.
Sing to the tune of John Legend’s “Where Did my Baby Go”
Where did my Khannie go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my Khannie so
I’m calling but I can’t get through
Please tell that dude if you see him
Awesome’s longing to see him
Where did my Khannie go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)
So I was minding my own business when I got an email from my buddy, Christmas. It was quite melancholy.
From: ChristMas
To: Aweome Luvvie
Subject: They cut me REAL deep
Hey Luvvie. I’m real hurt right about now. I was perusing the intranets and you know I had to check Powerfulandawesome. Well, I’ll be damned if I ain’t just read the worst thing ever about me. Monk and Genius really went hard at my head. Did I steal their last pair of boxers briefs? The ones without the holes or skid marks in them? Because I could buy them a new pair. Iunno, either way, they hurt my feelings bad. You feel that way too? B/c I need you to let me know so I know where we stand. All I try to do is brighten up y’all’s otherwise cheerless lives. And the thanks I get is this. I feel like I did when James died on “Good Times”. Or when Thelma’s husband broke his leg when he was strolling down the aisle (who does that?? I mean REALLY). Anyway, I need to go drank to get my sorrows away. This year’s eggnog is gonna be spiked more than ever.
Christmas (CoolKid1225)
***************************
From: Luvvie
To: Christmas
Subject: Aw damn dawg
Hey Christmas. I had no part to play in that. Grinch (GK) and Scrooge (Monk) were just mad b/c they ran out of the wheat timbs at footlocker. AND they were out of “Wax-that-dome” pomade at the Beauty supply store. Forgive them for being ornery, with they shiny, mirrored heads.
All I knows is that I dig you, because you bring some cheer in my life. You make the whole city bright and ish. Here in the Chi, we take you mad serious. We even have a parade to begin your season. And I spoke with lil Baby Jesus. He said although he knows his birthday ain’t in December, he appreciates what you do in letting the world sing him his Birthday song (carols).Shoot, besides, I like the part where folks give me gifts. That brings me joy. Although, because of you being so close to my birthday, I get on gift instead of two. Which REALLY pisses me off. I mean that is some bull… OH WAIT. I’m sposed to be making you feel better.
Send that jolly white man in the red suit a note and tell him to leave GK and Monk a big stupid azz bag of middle fingers. On Dec. 25th, they can sit in the dark, ignore the world, and revel in their own trflingness. They best not touch any holiday foods either.
You give folks an excuse to be nice to each other for a change, instead of side-eyeing. You also make folks wear ugly sweaters. This is probably the best part because I don’t lack material to roast people with. Hell, you even make the gub’ment money because with all them decorations, folks light bill be SKY HIGH. So you are helping the recession. Christmas, you rock my socks (but you best not gimme none this year. I’m eyeing a new mp3 player. preferably RED). Besides, RED is my favorite color, and any excuse I have to wear it is awesome to me. So if you see Monk and my POWERFUL PAHTNA on the boulevard, tell them I said:
Welcome dickwads from across the internet I am your roastmaster for the evening Seymour Cheese. We are here tonight to honor XMAS the biggest holiday in the United States. Bringing to the stage the Sultan of Atlanta, the heir to a chimp enclosure and the mascot for the Buckhead Primates, let’s give it up for monkey, I mean MONK!
*Monk steps to the stage to the tune of Run-DMC’s “Christmas In Hollis”…rapping along to DMC’s verse*
“The rhymes that you hear are the rhymes of Darryl’s / Each and every year we bust Christmas carrols *echo* carrols…carrols…carrols…”
*signaling for DJ to cut the music*
What’s up my good people!! I am here to discuss the sheer f*cked up-ness of the one called “X-Mas”.
First off, X-Mas, your total existence is irrelevant, you pretentious, made-up f*cktard!! Whoever created you HAS to be the biggest hater known to man. I’m fully aware that little black baby Jesus H. Christ was more than likely not born in December but that is the day set aside in which we celebrate His birthday. For you to take the “Christ” out of that God’s birthday is some hater shyt if I’ve ever seen it. Like really, who does that?? What kind of ‘grinch-who-stole-Christmas’ type of shyt you on, to not wanna celebrate somebody’s birthday?? What did Jesus do to YOU to make you want to ‘X’ out “Christ”??
Also, Mr. X-mas, your name starts with probably the most f*cked up letter in the English alphabet!! Words don’t even want you in them. You’re not even used that much. When watching “Wheel Of Fortune”, no one ever says, “Hey Pat, can I get an ‘X’?”. They KNOW they’ll get the buzzer for requesting that shyt. An ‘X’ is just some shyt you don’t even want anymore – an eX-girlfriend…eXpired food…eXcetera…lol. Even the Xylophone is the most unattractive, unpopular, and uncool instrument. No one grows up saying “Ooh, I want to be an xylohone player when I grow up.”. So X-mas, even the family of words that you’re in is wack.
Lastly, X-mas, I refuse to celebrate you. I put on for my little Black baby Jesus…thank you very much.
****************************
Next we’d like to bring things to a screeching halt with our next roaster, Genius Kunt I mean Khan! Genius Khan!
*****************************
thanks Seymour Z’s for yet another horrible unfunny introduction. congratulations! i understand you won gold in Dickbreath Lametardo Kuntwatting , at the Special Olympics, again this year. give it up for Seeless Cheese the 1 joke circle jerk jackazz! …and let’s give another big round of applause for Monk a.k.a president thomas forbes. yes? i’m glad we got them out of the way so we can enjoy some real comedy.
gahtdam, i had insomnia until your roast performances. thanks for the nap. that’s the best sleep i’ve had in a month. during your roast i slept so hard i almost choked on my tongue.
i talked to Luvvie the AWESOME yesterday and she regrets not being here to honor you XMAS but apparently there’s a holiday sale at baby gap and she needs a new (2T) onesie and a sippy cup. How’s it feel to be an adult with the body of a toddler and the motor skills of and infant Luvvie? check out Osh Kosh too and get a size 3T so you can grow into it. yeah? Luvvie’s career is taking off finally. give her a hand ladies and gentlemen! she’s been offered the top post at The National Association of Dwarves, Leprechans, Imps and Fairies. i know the Santa Claus Orgnization is sad to be loosing its 1st black elf.
…and thank you powerfulandawesome.com for that warm invitation. when i first read it i couldn’t believe i was actually gonna be roasting Xmas. how exciting is this? this is truly an honor for me because i’ve never preformed for an audience you can count on one finger. Pretty Brown Girl i see ya. i thought you went shopping with Luvvie.
oh my GOD! let’s see. where do i start? what an honor. XMAS you’re like the favorite holiday of so so many people and i knew you were screwed when the Grinch stole your azz, held you for ransom and couldn’t get but two dollars for your release . were you raped? …because there’s a sextape of you and Jack Frost on sale at ebay. i think i saw some penetration in the previews. bidding was at 2 cents when i checked.
…and why is there all these stupid azzed songs for you like …on the 1st day of XMAS my true love gave to me a partridge in a pair tree. the fuk? you better watch out you better not pout you better not cry i’m telling you why… why? …because the the fat white man who is perpetually eighty six years old and rides a sleigh driven by flying reindeer and delivers gifts thru the chimney is coming to town? are you serious with this schnitz XMAS? gahhhtdam! for Christ sake, get it corrected.
XMAS this is an intervention, i’m sending you to celebrity rehab too. you and dollar bill need therapy. together. you two have had a very unhealthy relationship. look at yourself XMAS, you come in here with black eyes, bruises and an azzhole the diameter of a coke can and a XMAS ornament shoved up your hole singing “It’s beginning to look a lot like XMAS…” who’s doing this to you Christ? was it that Black [azz] Friday? he’s got people spending money they don’t have for sh*t they don’t need. …or, or is it Frosty the muthafluckin Snowman? his snowballs don’t seem as swollen as they used to be. what’s really going on? no i see it! i bet it’s saint niklaus himself boning you with the yuletide log by an open fire, now isn’t it? Kris frickin Kringle, i knew that fat bastard was perverted.
XMAS we go back a long way. remember when i wanted those Jordans and santa brought me those New Balance instead or that time when i wanted a ten speed bike and santa brought me the 3 speed bike commonly referred to as THE BUS. …or how bout the time i wanted Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Fault and he brings me whiffle ball championships. XMAS you suck more than just the snowmans’ balls, i heard you’re licking Ebeneezer Scrooges wrinkled nuts too. are they salty? XMAS you’ve become so fake, plastic won’t even wrap for you and so depraved and bastardized the Maury Povich show did a DNA test to see where you came from and determined that God IS NOT the father to your santa clown clause azz styles.
goodnight fux and goodbye from powerfulandawesome.com with special thanks to president thomas forbes a.k.a. MONK.http://my2cents-sense.blogspot.com
tis the season! …i’m thanking early and often and although we should be thankful each and every hour, minute, second of the way, many of us celebrate Thanksgiving with a special addiction. Thanksgiving serves up images of feasting, promises of pies and cakes. …and not that “Steel Chef Internet” fare neither. i’m talking anything you can imagine getting your lips around to whatever you can swallow. heh, heh, heh (inhales) whoooo! …and everything in between.
i Thank GOD!
…for family friends and loved ones.
health and wealth and wow i’m handsome, smart…
…for these skills. whoa!
thank you for being here. …reading this.
…that lil niggas can’t stop me nor big ones. neither. …and or…
…that the only opinion that can really harm me is my own.
…for the haters and my enemies.
…that i recognize the uniqueness in me. so i’m thankful i’m not you.
…but also i’m thankful for lil niggas like you and that goes for all of you black, white, alien, male, female, otherwise.
…to be a brother, a son, a lover, a man, to be genius khan the powerful of powerfulandawesome.com
thank you AWESOME wit ya lil: you gotta luvvie or leave me alone buttox, bum, backside.
i’m thankful.
ad infinitum…
thank yourselves, for somewhere, somebody, something…
get to thanking. you think you thought i said “thinking” but i wouldn’t accuse you of that.
welcome to Friday folks! Khangratulations! Pop champagne, i just got censored and barred from “my first blog.” [participation experience] Heh, heh, heh, (inhales) whooooo! fuckem and feedem cake. i still love you vsb and thanks for the experience but it seemed like the same ideas, subjects and issues kept coming up. i began repeating myself caught in a merry go round of fuckery so I hopped on verysmartbrothas.com and had a conversation with yours truly, 1st team all universe, me genius khan. thank you. thank you. i have entered the green period of my artistry and exploring new forms of expression. so i was on vsb talking quite greasy to myself and before the previous comments edit option had expired I had formed a crisp reply to myself allready. it just felt right. …having a nice lil conversation with me, genius khan. some people were joining the thread but i was more content to share a real time conversation with myself. adventure.
after i had fired off about eleventeen thousand or more comments, they began disappearing. at first it was like someone was allowing certain comments to remain and it was interesting how the comments read out of full context [just an edit job] but as i commented more, eventually it was all wiped out and my new comments were not published. i kept publishing anyway knowing that the administartors would see it in their filters and have the oppurtunity to participate in the meaning making.
if you or anyone you know had any experience with the genius khan phonomena on www.verysmartbrothas.com on or about Wednesday Nov. 19th 2008 between 2pm-4pm est please share here. i promise when i have had more time to explore my transcripts, thoughts and actions , i will share an epic and power packed disclosure of my experiments.
…at the post office the other day and Lula Mae stopped me. im like: what did you say your name was again? Lula Mae, she said. [names have been changed to protect the guilty] just before this I had checked the post for a friend as I am in the custom of doing for a fee of course. gas was at its highest. the mention of gas instead of energy will surely fossilize and date this composition and if not the next few sentences will surely do so. 2008. Box 29682. there is no mail in the box except a bill due on the box. but wait. blink. now open, open, keep your eyes open and come with me to the back of this narrow dark box. its metal walls cool with indifference. what is that? …there blocking the light? it’s… it’s tape and what’s that scribbled there: DLOH.
i go to the counter and ask the postman for any overflow mail, box 29682. while he’s off I’m chopping it up with M.I.L.F’y Jones, a new acquaintance of mine who works there at the post. how’s your life she asks? Swell u should become a part of it I replied. She laughs and bats her eyes. a jig is performed in my honor and soon “Lurk” the knuckle dragger intrudes, with no mail just news. “i don’t see anything for that box” he says. is that right? …adorned with a sh*t eating grin he says in a wiseazz, wide as the montana plains azz smile: “no news is good news right?” he’s gonna say it again. pay attention this time. yellow teeth peek thru a chaffed lipless hole. the bottom button on his shirt just before what would be his waist threatens the eyes of the beholders, the salt and pepper hairs on his stomach indeasantly exposed, knuckles ableed. slowly now, his voice is dragging too, a whiff of his breath, certain death.
Noo—-newwws—–isss—– gooodd—- newssss——–riiiiight?
as I take my leave, i’m detained shortly upon leaving the lobby. a woman excuses herself and goes on to explain that she’s seeing me everywhere. I ask if she’s following me. she says: “yes I’m stalking you.” …and how she saw me in line at the bodega and it was a good look. hi my name is Lula Mae. hands shake. what is my name I ask her? surely she knows. my eyes do something to her she says. i give thanks and depart but she gives chase. her praises hunt me. it was good meeting you and I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around i proclaim. she shrinks like efthyartes in “300″ all the time hissing and cursing me under her breath. …the short portly homely woman who complimented me on my way.
reKHANize
the post is holding my friends mail until he pays his fees. the postman mocked me, probably thinking that he is keeping me from something important. Im foul by Lula Maes’ standards because she trapped me and I broke her press. there was little particularly M.I.L.F’y about Lula except the “mother” part. the common denominator here is my friend whose box i check. i find these things happen a lot surrounding this particular friend to the direct proportion that he is involved. like the time we were guest of the President at a prominent HBCU and he broke thru the security checkpoint, late to our engagement with 4 state police cars in tow, sirens blazing… (or the time he brought a prostitute to an awards cerem…
Catfish – Chosen for Chef Powerful by Chef Awesome
Red Seedless Grapes – Chosen for Chef Awesome by Chef Powerful
WELCOME AGAIN FOOD FUX TO
*STEEL CHEF INTERNET*
BATTLE VEGETARIAN vs. MEATATARIAN
CHEF POWERFUL vs. CHEF AWESOME
A HISTORICAL MATCHUP!
It is time for the judges to dig in, but before we do that, let’s go over the scoring again.
The challenge is to prepare the worst meal and demonstrate which meal is worse: a vegetarian meal or a meat-atarian meal in terms of overall repugnance.
Chef POWERFUL’s challenge is to create the worst meal featuring the secret ingredient catfish (he opposes the meatarian diet)
Chef AWESOME’S challenge is to create the worst meal featuring the secret ingredient red seedless grapes (she opposes the vegetarian diet)
10pts. possible for WORST TASTE, 5 pts possible for PLATING and DESIGN and as many as 5 pts for ORIGINALITY.
The 4 supporting ingredients for today are chicken eggs, red beans, rice and dried corn.
NOW WE TURN IT OVER TO THE GENERAL OF KITCHEN TABLE.
General Chow
Tell us what your inspiration was today Chef Powerful.
Chef Powerful
[translated]
I have prepared for our judges today a catfish culinary masterpiece keeping it very simple and in its natural form. Concentrated and using the very best parts. For starters I have taken the natural slime on the outer skin of the catfish and gathered it in a bowl. I then took the eggs and separated the whites from the yolks and put the egg whites in with the catfish slime. I took about 1/3 of the catfish slime and egg whites mixture and whipped them into a frothy meringue. The remaining 2/3 egg whites and slime mixture are then added with river water, as the base, for this cold soup. At this point the catfish whiskers are cut up in pieces and added to the soups base. The frothy meringue tops off my “Catfish Whisker-Sublime.” We were also pleased to find that this catfish was pregnant and have sprinkled some of the orange eggs or roe across the top of the froth for a splash of color. A catfish eye has found itself suspended in the center of the froth and a few crumbs of sun dried green river algae are sprinkled on top for punch. Bon appétit. [bows]
Judge Yuckmouth
Wow. Just wow… Almost like an egg-drop soup with a twist. I would never have thought of using the catfish whiskers to make soup. I find the taste very disturbing but in a good way. you’ve used the catfish head as a bowl tell us how you’ve done this.
Chef Powerful
[translated]
Yeah these were some really healthy catfish so we thought to cut the head off, a bit below the neck, and sit it upright. A small bowl is then fitted in each catfish mouth.. so you’re looking into the mouth of the animal you’re eating as you eat it. …and we popped some of the corn to put in the place of the fish eyes and scatter about the serving plate to substitute crackers.
Judge Oscar The Grouch
This is garbage! Can I have some more?
Chef Powerful
[translated]
Thank you judges. Save a little room for your desert. I have run thru the blender the catfish entrails, red beans, a simple syrup and a pinch of saffron to give it that savory kick. Add a generous helping of Crème Fresh and put that thru the ice cream machine and voila Catfish Sherbet. To top it off ground rice sprinkles. …enjoyed with a shotglass of sparkling water. Vive La Cuisine.
Judge Yuckmouth
A Crescendo of flavors and textures…
General of Kitchen Table
Thank you Chef Powerful. Chef Awesome please explain what your plan was for todays secret ingredient.
Chef Awesome
Judges Yuk Mouth, and Mr. Grouch, I prepared for you today, a meal around the secret ingredient “Red Seedless Grapes”. To bring out the sweet essence of the grapes, I wanted to create a salty dish, so I will complement it with red beans and sunny side up eggs. I like to call this dish “Explosively Eclectic Entree”. First, I chose to soften up the red beans in some boiled water. Somehow, I burned the water and the pot I was using melted. So… I had to resort to frying the beans. All I had left was a skillet, but being the deluxe Chef NegraLee that I am, I made it work *nods head in pride*. I found some recycled grease in the kitchen, and fried the beans to give them that perfectly ASHY. If they taste bitter, it is part of the essence.
Judge YukMouth
But Chef Luvvie, did I not hear the smoke detector go off as you scrambled to put out what looked like a fire?
Chef Awesome
No sir, my kitchen felt like we needed some theatrics to throw you off. All part of the build up
Judge Grouch
And those 3rd degree burns on your hand from picking up the skillet? Also part of it?
Chef Awesome
Definitely. Anyway, back to the rest of my dish. I love eggs, so I had to include them in this dish. Because of the fire, I mean, the smoke show we put on in our kitchen, we couldn’t fry them. So we made the eggs sunnyside up in the oven at 500 degrees for 30 secs. It gives it a GREAT texture. Crispy on the outside, runny on the inside. If you taste something crunchy, it is what I refer to as “Essence of Shell”. But it is plain delicious. The red seedless grapes were lightly blended, so the skin is still intact. I then mixed it in the beans and placed the runny sunny eggs next to it. Enjoy, judges!
Oh, and for the drinks. I made grape jello shots with Bacardi 151, gelatin mix and pureed grapes. I guarantee that there will be a party inside your mouth, and everyone will be invited.
Judge Yuck
Yes, it was explosive indeed. Worst thing I’ve tasted in a while. I loved it!Wow, that was disgustingly delicious. I like how you mixed the textures didn’t match, and how the eggs were perfectly raw.
*Judges continue eating. Love it and clean their plates*
*Both get up and run to the back*
*15 minutes later…*
Genreal Chow
Thank you Chef Powerful & Chef Awesome. This was indeed a very heated battle. The judges must now decide on which dish was the best (yet the worst).
*10 minutes later
General Chow
We are unable to give results for this battle. Both of our judges have just fallen gravely ill, and have been sent to the hospital. We are not sure what the cause of their injuries are, but we need YOU, audience, to pick our winner.
